The Most Brilliant Idea Ever.

Alright, so this entry has been a collaborative effort with my good friend Pork Chop (formally known as Crazy, she has been upgraded). Last weekend we decided we need new furniture. She needed a T.V. stand, I needed a new bed and a linen cabinet, all from Ikea because we’re poor and that’s about all we can afford. All this talk of furniture lead us into conversation of how frustrating/humiliating it is being a girl and having to move furniture that is way too heavy for us to handle. Generally the act of moving or buying new furniture involves tears, temper tantrums, chucking particle board across the room or simply smashing it on the walls and of course, heavy heavy alcohol consumption. Being as brilliant as we are, we came up with, ladies and gentlemen, the most fabulous idea ever. Please read our Craig’s List Ad below:

Title: (Women seeking men) Damsels in Distress

Two twenty-something, professional women (photos below) seek the assistance of at least 2 strong, single, fun, willing and abled twenty-something men in heavy lifting of furniture in Clarendon, VA this Saturday, December 13^th. We figured we’d give this posting a shot in the personals section.

We are going to Ikea to purchase a bed frame and some other small furniture and would like some help in getting it up two flights of stairs, and assembled if you’re so willing. Beer, pizza, and the company of said twenty-something, fun, single women is how we’d ideally show our thanks. We would also be willing to pay cash and gas if you have a pick-up truck/SUV and would like to take the trip to Ikea and do any necessary furniture shopping with us.

Please send notes of interest, pictures preferred, to Sara and Andrea at below e-mail address. Thanks! J

Now, naturally, with two hot bitches like Pork Chop and myself, we are going to get tons of responses. Last I checked, we hit over 100. I've chosen just a little taste of some of the best/creepiest/most unique responses we have received. See below for your reading pleasure:

• Sara,
  Sorry i don't have a picture. But he is about 5foot 7inches. He is slim, and has dirty blond hair.
  Oh by the way his favorite name is Sara. If you call him, ask him that or he may tell you.
  He is really out going, not lazy, and a good worker and likes to have fun. If your interested
  in a worker just give a call.
  bye,
  jw

Us: Does Luke have Leukemia?
JW: No, not at all. Why you ask that? He has a little too much smart ass and thats about it.
JW (Next Day): Sara, so did you ask Luke to help you move
Us: Haven't, no. Still haven't seen a picture.
JW: i'm sorry i just don't have pictures of my guy friends. call him and maybe he can text you one. are you trying to see how big his muscles are...haha. its worth a try on asking
anyways.
(End of conversation. No picture, no love)

• I bleed testosterone (I'm sure you do Buddy)
  

• hey gals how ya doin a friend and i will b glad tohelp yall out we wont b doing any thing so if u need some help we b glad to give yall a hand i have a full size truck and a trailer if needed im 29 my friend 27 sorrry just got the pc here and dont know the first thing on how to send pic.hell dont even know if u will get the email but if ya do we could help my cell##571-237-1286 if ya want some kind of what we look like i 6'3 brown hair blue eyes 280 my friend 6'2 blond hair hazel eyes 190 talk to ya (Too intelligent)
  

• Sure you all will get lots of offers of help as you are attractive gals, just one guy but do have an F150 pickup. if you wanted my help - may aks you to return favor in a few weeks helping me move stuff (Return the favor? This isn't an exchange. )
  

• Hi,
  You dont know me, my name is Patsy but I saw your ad on craigslist and you sound like someone that my friend might be interested in. He is pretty picky so he doesnt really meet a lot of women so Ithought I would come out here and see if there were any girls that he might be intereted in. He just moved back to the area from overseas.
  He is a great catch, I made a little list ofthings which you might like about him:
  6'0, height and weight proportionate
  Beautiful blue eyes
  Good sense of humor
  Cute laugh
  Sensitive
  Outgoing
  Popular but doesn't know the whole state
  Friends with my friends
  Nice smile
  Straight teeth
  Likes to party
  Grabs my hand to hold
  Dresses nice hehe
  Hasa good job, and is well off
  Makes me laugh
  Open minded
  Polite
  Holds doors for me
  Opens car doors
  Likes all type of music
  Likes going to the movies
  Talks to his friends about me
  Calls me to just sayhi
  Says what he's feeling
  Compliments me
  *Trustworthy*
  Patient
  Likes to shop
  Has good manners
  Occasionally drinks
  Athletic
  
  Is on time for dates
  Calls back later when he says he will
  Wants to meet my family
  Has a cute butt
  Good kissable lips
  Good memory
  Intelligent
  Has direction
  Creative
  Likes everything about me
  Committed
  *My best friend*
  Respectful
  Mature
  Persistent –Hard working
  Has a sexy voice/accent
  Damn, if I wasnt already married, I would be on a date with him right now.
  Let me know if you are interested, you'll be thanking me later.
  Patsy (I mean, I don't even know what to say about this. You can't pawn your affair off on us.)
  

• Too bad you've limited the ad to twenty-somethings. Because if you had said "Creepy 32 year old creeps should also respond to this ad" you'd have gotten me! A creepy 32 year old with an suv and enough creepy strength to help you out. It's ok, you're not the sizes I'm looking for anyway... I'm trying to make a women's suit out of real women. (This one definitely takes the cake)
  

• You ladies are genuises! Combining fun with necessity, and the risk of a blind date. Very daring. I'm disqualifying myself from this search (exceeding age being the first reason) but wanted to wish you luck anyway. Genuis (Yes, yes we are)
  

• Are you serious.. jajaja. this sounds more like a ploy to get some dates..
  which tell you the truth is not bad.. but I'm above the age critique to the next digits...
  and I don 't have a friend to say in his 20's but I do live close by if you dont get anything YOU LIKE... .jajaj that's funny just to think.. let me know..
  
  I have my saturday opened for now.. but who knows...
  good luck..
  oh and I'm latin..
  pictures.. jaja... now comeon.. just to help youmove stuff.. hmmm...
  send me yours and I'll reply with mine.. I'm not that bad..come on...jeje. (What the hell is jaja, jeje? We already posted our pictures. Weirdo.)
  

• Hi 30 yr old white male here with moving experience. I would be happy to provide your moving service for you two. Would a massage exchange be ok? I am married so not looking for sex but just a fun time (A massage? This isn't a fucking spa. Married and not looking for sex, but hanging out with young broads feeling you up doesn't constitute cheating in your head? Maybe you need to get a new head.)
  

• I'd help as long as one of you are single and is looking for a handsome/sexy, athletic, romantic, intelligent and fun guy to come along and rock your world and compliment your life. BTW, don't have a truck but I'd help ya guys. I live right by Claremdon (Please Sir, please rock my world.)
  

• Eat Me
  

Pork Chop: You Wish
Eat Me Boy: nawww. You're pretty ugly. Just sayin'. Retarded too.
BTW, how anyone know that's really you anyway?
Pork Chop: hi hater. guess you'd have to have some faith and find out. seriously, i'm
responding to responses to my ad. You're just lame. peace out and good luck
with that attitude.
Eat Me Boy: I pooped my pants.


On that note, I'm going to end the responses. I WAS going to post photos, but I'm already slightly nervous that I am going to end up in a trash can somewhere with various body parts sprinkled along the road or possibly in somebody's freezer, or maybe even on their dinner plate after posting this to the public. We ultimately ended finding this sexy little medical student to help us about but ended up not meeting up with him anyway. All this work and I put the bed together by myself in under 2 hours. Maybe my next Craig's list posting will be something to the tune of: "Needed: Sexy single male(s) to test brand new Ikea bed. The fat, ugly, small-weenered and inexperienced need not apply." Ha.


P.S. It has been almost 1 week (and 2 days past the date of supposed furniture retrieval day) since our ad was posted. The ad has gotten flagged and removed from Craig's list multiple times and I am STILL getting responses.