So lets get this straight. Girl hates job. Girl gets hired at magical company where she's wanted to work for years since she has come to terms with the fact that she will never be a doctor because she's too lazy and annoyed to go through another 4, 6, 8 (however long it takes) years of school to do so. Girl loves new job. Girl finally fits in with fabulous coworkers. Girl goes to WORK happy hour and gets wasted and makes a raging idiot out of herself. Girl...wait? Repeat that last statement again?
Ohhh yes, that would be correct. "Dre," you ask, "did you really get wasted at a work happy hour and attempt to fraternize with the executives and make a wonderful display of your ability to slur your speech and be oh so successful at the attempt?" Yes, yes I did.
"Not only that," I say, "but I also attempted to throw 3 shots of God knows what at the Happy Hour down my thirsty little throat, 3 Vodka Tonics and THEN i went to another bar, with my manager among other people, and had 3 Saki bombs, 2 shots of Saki, and then went to ANOTHER bar and had something else...I can't remember what at the moment but I know it wasn't water. OH, I forgot to mention, I had 2 Magic Hat drafts before the Vodka Tonics. I threw all this fabulous liquor into my 110 lb body (poor thing) and 1 tiny piece of pizza from matchbox."
"Wow, Dre. Thats pretty poor taste on your part. How utterly lame you are."
"Oh wait," I admit. "There's more. So, the story goes. I hop in a cab with my manager and Miss Piggy and for some god awful reason, tell them to drop me off in Rosslyn. Why do this? Because I am a raging raging idiot perhaps? Who knows what goes through this brilliant head of mine at times. I am convinced I can walk home from there, a good 2.6 miles I am sure, however; the issue at hand is that I can't even walk. So I stumble around the streets for at least an hour, totally lost, when this beautiful ringing to my ears interrupts my drunken stupor. Is it Angels from heaven coming down to swoop me away? Close enough, it is my manager, checking in to see if I am okay. No, I tell him, I am lost on a highway and I don't know how to get home. Lovely manager picks my drunk ass up somewhere along Highway 50 and takes me home. Awesome. But wait, there is more. Somehow I manage to climb the 3 flights of stairs up to my glorious bed and finally pass out when...oh god. My alarm clock goes off. I have to get up again. Mind you, it is 8:30 am. I usually leave for work at 8:00 to get there on time. I am wasted. I have never felt so awful in my entire life. I would rather my skin get chewed off by ravaging dogs then feel this churning in my stomach. Breath Dre, Breath. As I stumble to the metro, I eat a 100 calorie pack of pretty orange goldfish, how tasty. I am ridiculously late. First metro train comes, I squeeze myself into the massive crowds of people and immediately begin to have a mini-panic attack. I am getting cold sweats, I probably reek of alcohol, I'm pretty sure people are looking at me funny but I am too nauseous to care. My mouth starts watering, and Oh God. Breath. Breath. The train comes to a stop, thank god. I literally shove women and small children out of the way and make a beeline for the platform. I run down as far away from people as possible and ever-so-elegantly vomit all over the platform. Wonderful chunks of yellow goldfish add a beautiful splash of color to my gray pants. Man asks if I need help. Thank you sir, but I am a raging idiot and just need to sit here for a few minutes. It is 7:30 at night as I am writing this right now. Let me speed through the end of this god awful story because I think I am going to get sick again. I somehow manage to make it to work. Stay for about 2 hours. I throw up twice in those 2 hours, I was throwing up water. Yea, I can't even keep water down. I go home. Vomit again, this time at the Foggy Bottom Metro stop. I am a strong believer in marking my territory. "
"Wow Dre, you should really think about killing yourself."
"Yes, Yes I will do that. Thanks."
And now, here I lie, in bed. Lame as ever. And I am going to go throw up now. Peace lovers.
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