So, have you ever hit that point in life where you’ve seriously reached an all-time low? I mean...the point where if it gets any worse, your next best option is to make a nice clean slit in your jugular and drain yourself all of life-inducing bodily fluids? Yea...I had that, or so I hope. The worst part about it is that I was such a bitch prior to the experience that I probably deserved it. I should have listened closer to Justin Timberlake when he preached, “What goes around comes around, comes around, comes all the way back arouuuund”.
It started as a typical Tuesday night at Fado’s in
Anyway, so we are coming to the end of the trivia game when our waitress comes and starts bugging us incessantly about ordering and that we need to spend $10 per person. Generally, I would totally understand her point, I have been in the restaurant business and know how bad it sucks when people take up your tables and spend no money; however, it was not until near the end of the game that we heard from her. There were plenty of times that I would have loved to order another beer and waitress was no where to be found. At this point, there were 5 members in our group and our tab was at $45 and the game was not over yet. The waitress comes over again and very rudely says “You need to order $5 more dollars, and if you don’t I will just add it to your bill anyway.” Ha...drunken Andrea starts to feel slightly belligerent at this point. Despite my bitching, my friends order a dessert to meet our $50 minimum and the waitress returns with the check. SHE ADDED AN 18% GRATUITY...um....WHAT?! NO fucking way. I mean, one good thing about growing up in the restaurant business is that you learn the “rules” fairly quickly. So naturally, my belligerent drunken self says oh so sweetly to the waitress “Excuse me mamn, I don’t think you can add this gratuity. It doesn’t say anywhere on the menu that there will be a gratuity added, and usually it is only parties of 6 or greater that restaurants will do that. Clearly we are 5... I think this needs to be fixed.” Waitress stutters around, she didn’t think we were going to pay the $10/person, she can change it, and she will buy us a drink next time. Again, my friends assure her that it is fine and she doesn’t have to change it (they are so much nicer than I am)...but she walks away bitching with a scowl on her face anyway.
So, I need to step away for a second and just remind you. I was actually pretty nice to the waitress’s face, but the thoughts that were going through my head were just completely inappropriate, I think this is where that whole goes around comes around thing comes into play, because trust me, if there is a God and he has any say over punishments, he can HEAR your thoughts. He can hear mine anyway.
So, despite the fact that I am completely wasted at this point, I had about 5 Black and Tans over the course of 3 hours. All my friends were ready to leave but I just had a point to prove quickly. While the waitress was returning with our check, I go up to the bar and order ANOTHER drink (just to prove a point to the waitress), despite the fact that I was already drunk and my bladder was feeling slightly full. I quickly chug down the drink as my friends were waiting for me and the bitch returns with our change. At this point I was in a pretty bad mood and all I wanted to do was get out of there. So say goodbye to my friends and head down to the metro. There was an 18 minute wait.
Alright, so I’m really starting to have to pee at this point. “18 minutes,” I think. “I will just run up to the McDonalds quickly and use the restroom.” I run back up the metro stairs, down the street to McDonalds, only to realize it’s closed. Fuck. So I walk into the movie theater and ask them if I can use the bathroom and they said not unless I’m going to buy a ticket. Heartless bastards. I run to the security guards...”So, I have to pee really badly. Is there any restroom anywhere around here that I can use?” Nope...and they actually laughed at me as I walked away. I heart being the laughing stock of fat rent-a-cops, that’s just awesome. After exhausting what I thought to be all possible options, I decide to just go back and wait for the metro.
The terrible part about this is that I totally could have just run across the street to Fado’s but I refused to run into that stupid bitchy waitress again and I vowed never to go in there again (I actually just had dinner there last week...Yea, I ate crow. I do that sometimes).
Anyway, so here comes the good part. I got down in the metro and I missed the train. BAAAALLLS. Now I’ve got a 13 minute wait until the next train. I am still sane at this point but my bladder is definitely starting to feel a little rough. Finally the train comes and I get on and switch to the orange line when things start to go down hill. I had my headphones on and I actually had to turn them off because they were distracting me from NOT trying to pee my pants. Shit is PAINFUL at this point. I’m sitting down, legs crossed, hoping to GOD nobody will sit with me. I’m fidgeting a little bit. Headphones off...concentrate Wiest. Okay okay, put them back on, and maybe just try to forget about it. Okay not working, take them off. I’m pretty sure my face is red at this point. I’ve got cold sweats and my forehead is actually beaded with sweat. The hairs on my arms are standing straight up and I’ve got goose bumps everywhere. I’m pretty sure I must have looked like a crazy schizo at that point. I mean, seriously. I kept clenching my butt cheeks together frantically to keep the pee inside. This is SOO humiliating. I seriously have never felt such pain in my life. At one point I almsot just let lose because the embarrassment would have been much easier than the pain. Finally I had to get off the train. I seriously got off a stop early because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. Right as I stepped off, it started seeping out, and there were people EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t even run to get outside, I could only walk or it would have exploded. Lol...finally as I’m riding up the escalator it just let loose. Yep, hot pee running down my leg in the middle of the metro. I was almost crying at this point, tears were actually welling up in my eyes. I mean, thank god it was dark outside. By the time I got to a street that wasn’t lit, my black business pants were soaked with pee. They were sticking to my leg and I kept thinking “OH my god, I’m like one of those smelly homeless people who pee themselves. Is this where my life is headed?” And then I thought about that guy I made fun of at the Broad Street Run who peed himself while running the race. Shit, I knew I shouldn’t have laughed at him. No, but I was SERIOUSLY depressed about peeing my pants, honestly, try it sometime. I’m pretty sure it is the peak of humiliation.
Anyway, I ended up calling my mom when I was almost home and told her. I was half crying. She was laughing hysterically.
